Leadership Lessons from Dance Moms

My teenager recently introduced me to Dance Moms, the Lifetime “reality” show that ran from 2011 to 2019. It follows a competitive dance team from the Abby Lee Dance Company — the kids, their moms, and, of course, the infamous instructor, Abby Lee Miller.

While I love the drama (who doesn’t?), I’m surprised by how many leadership lessons I’ve picked up — mostly what not to do. Abby Lee Miller is practically a masterclass in demotivation. So take a leap of faith with me — assume for a moment that all reality TV is real — and let’s dive in.

"Everyone is replaceable."

Abby loves this line. She tells her dancers — and their mothers — that if they don’t perform, she’ll replace them with someone who will.

There’s a small grain of truth here: teams do need accountability. But it ignores an important fact — everyone brings their own unique mix of talents, creativity, and energy to the table. No one wants to feel like a cog in a machine.

And of course, Abby doesn’t deliver this line calmly — she usually screams it. The result? Hurt, frustration, and a whole lot of tension.

What to do instead?

Give feedback that’s specific to the person’s growth and goals. Instead of threatening replacement, focus on how they can improve — and remind them of the strengths they already bring to the team.

"Save your tears for the pillow!"

Abby says this when her dancers cry — and remember, they’re between 8 and 14 years old. Her message: the world is tough, so you’d better toughen up.

Is there truth to that? Maybe a little. But it’s not effective leadership.

Today’s leaders need emotional intelligence. Every team member is a full human being, with good days and bad ones. Ignoring their emotions doesn’t make them tougher — it just makes them less likely to trust you. You don’t have to play therapist, but a little empathy goes a long way.

Clients, coworkers, and the market will already challenge your team. You don’t need to pile on.

Public Condemnation

Another Abby classic: shouting corrections at dancers in front of everyone — often while scrolling her phone. Her logic? Embarrassment will make them better.

In the short term, it might. In the long term, it destroys morale. When people are afraid to fail, they stop learning — and they’ll eventually leave.

Instead: give constructive feedback privately. Talk through what went wrong and how to fix it. Then, if there’s a valuable takeaway for everyone, share that lesson with the group — without calling anyone out.

Running Away from the Hard Stuff

For all her bluster, Abby often avoided tough conversations. During seasons 5 and 6, when her legal issues hit the news, she repeatedly kicked her team out and disappeared for stretches. The result? Confusion, fear, and chaos.

This offers two key lessons:

1. Leaders have hard times too. When you need a break, communicate it. You don’t owe details, but a simple, “I’m stepping back for a bit, here’s what to expect,” keeps your team from spiraling.

2. Don’t dodge difficult conversations. Whether it’s conflict, underperformance, or tension, face it head-on. Avoiding problems just poisons your culture.

Don't Be Abby

If Dance Moms has taught me anything (besides the wild world of competitive dance rivalries), it’s this: doing the opposite of Abby Lee Miller will take you further as a leader than most leadership books ever could.

So go out there, build your dream team, and lead with empathy, clarity, and courage.

Happy Team Building!